Seriously, everyone needs to look sexy sometimes, even Chewie, Darth Vader and Boba Fett. Unfortunately, this isn’t the way to do it.
WTF, Evolution is a great new blog that criticizes some of evolution’s most bizarre designs. For example the text for the guy above reads:
â€œHey! Hey! I think I finally made something cute.â€
â€œOh, yeah? Letâ€™s see.â€
â€œItâ€™s a â€˜shoebill.â€™ Itâ€™s big and blue and adorable. Nice, right?â€
â€œItâ€™sâ€¦ hm. I donâ€™t know. I like the blue, but something about those eyes is kind of creeping me out right now.â€
â€œWhat? Come on. Those are friendly eyes. It wants to be your friend.â€
â€œOkay. Okay, yeah. Youâ€™re right, evolution, Iâ€™m sorry. Should I feed it, maybe? What does it eat?â€
â€œOh Jesus Christ.â€
Yes, it is wonderful.
Wanna stink on purpose? Then perhaps you should try one of these horrifically bizarre fragrances. Of course, just like one man’s trash is another’s treasure, while most of us would find these scents repulsive, there are those out there who find them scandalously alluring -so you never know who you’ll attract if you try one of these scents on for a try.
Sure, lobster is absolutely delicious, but there’s a reason that fish monger isn’t among the world’s most glamorous and sexy professions -it’s not something you should aspire to smell like. If you do think lobster is your ideal scent though, Demeter has you covered -they can also help you smell like fiery curry, bourbon, rye bread or sushi.Â So many terrible options, so little time.
Image courtesy of Flickr user RyanTaylor1986
Yes, this is actually a real product although technically, they claim this bottled vaginal scent not really a perfume. Instead, it’s something you’re supposed to put on the back of your hand and sniff so you can better imagine your sexual fantasy. Really though, using vagina-scented perfume to attract a man is a hell of a lot less creepy than its intended use though.
Wonder how an ancient oceanic god covered in tentacles would smell? Well, according to Black Pheonix Alchemy Lab, who sells a Cthulhu scent, the smell is “a creeping, wet, slithering scent, dripping with seaweed, oceanic plants and dark, unfathomable waters.” Yummy.
Image courtesy of Flickr user meg~t
4. A Funeral Home
Can’t get enough of the smell of lilies, dust and formaldehyde? Then grab your own bottle of Funeral Home perfume courtesy of odd perfumery Demeter. Who knows, maybe this will attract some hot goths.
Image courtesy of Flickr user jaspoid one
5. Bodily Secretions
Ever wanted to smell like the floor of a concert hall after Motorhead just played a show? Then grab your own bottle of SÃ©crÃ©tions Magnifiques, which was created to smell like blood, semen, sweat and saliva. According to this reviewer, it actually smells alright, even if it takes a ballsy person to pull it off.
6. A Bordello
Speaking of bodily secretions, if you’ve ever wanted a perfume that literally makes you smell like a whore, then thank Black Pheonix Alchemy Lab for creating their Bordello perfume oil, which they claim “evokes images of velvet-lined Old West cathouses, tightly laced corsets, rustling petticoats and coquettish snarls of pleasure.”
Image courtesy of Flickr user Violet Blue
7. A Frisky Pirate
Pirates are known for being badasses, treasure hunters, rogues and scallywags, but not for smelling great. No matter how many harlequin romances tell you that pirates are romantic, the bottom line is that a bunch of men sailing on the sea for months, even years at a time, without a bath just aren’t going to smell good. Of course, that won’t stop Think Geek from selling you a “Frisky Pirate” perfume stick.
On the upside, the scent features “aquatic notes swirled with fresh water lotus, mint, Tahitian vanilla and ripples of sweet liquor, all wrapped in leather, smoke, and gunpowder,” so it probably won’t smell as bad as real pirates did.
Speaking of things that undoubtedly don’t smell great, Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs (yes, them again), also sells a Hoggle perfume -as in the adorably weird little gobblin from The Labyrinth. So what do they claim Hoggle smells like?Â “Fermented pumpkin, brown leather, dust, tobacco leaf, and dark woods.”
Personally, I never gave much thought as to how Hellboy smelled, but given that Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs claims their Hellboy cologne smells of “Aftershave, candy wrappers, brimstone, and cat,” I can definitively say I don’t want to smell like him.
Image courtesy of Flickr user greyloch
Granted, stoners love the smell of weed and this scent will undoubtedly attract plenty of them, but there’s a reason they describe the smell of good herb as “skunky.” Pretty much everyone who doesn’t smoke pot is going to look at you and wonder if you were actually sprayed by a skunk if you walk around wearing this stuff.
Looking to walk around smelling like you just finished playing with a classroom of kids? Then grab a bottle of Demeter’s officially licensed Play-Doh cologne. Who knows, if you’re trying to get guys who are into MILFs, but you don’t actually have kids, maybe this is the secret.
12. Pizza Hut
If you want to smell like pizza, you could get a job as a pizza delivery driver or you could buy this Pizza Hut perfume. Of course, if you actually like real pizza, then Pizza Hut is probably the last pizza company you would want to be stuck smelling all day.
Stilton is an absolutely delicious cheese. Unfortunately, part of that great taste comes from its footy, earthy smell, which is precisely why the idea of Stilton perfume seems absolutely insane.
Is the winter weather putting you through barbecue withdrawls? Then maybe you could help satiate your cravings with Que, the barbecue-scented perfume.
Remember this classic Taco Bell commercial? Well, as it turns out, they weren’t the first ones to think that wearing the scent of bacon is a surefire way to attract a man. In fact, Fargginay’s bacon perfume dates all the way back to the 1920’s, which should give you a good idea of just how much men have always loved the salty, smoky smell of cured pork.
16. An RPG Character
Whether you prefer your role playing games to be virtual, like Skyrim, or old school, like D&D, one thing you probably never considered about your character was how he or she smelled. But good old Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs has. In fact, you can buy their class or alignment scents on ThinkGeek. If you want a race or adventuring gear scent though, you’ll have to head over to the BPAL website to buy them direct. Personally, I’d be pretty interested in checking out the Elf scent that features “Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry.”
Know of any other freakishly strange perfume or cologne scents out there? Tell everyone about them in the comments.
I only have one question: “why?”
Worst. R2D2. Ever. For more odd costumes from Comic Con, don’t miss this great Oddee article.
If you can’t read all the fine print here, check it out full size over on Regretsy.
I’m sure Nelson Mandela does smell quite nice, but do we really need an air freshener of him to prove it? And unless you know Mr. Mandela personally, how do you know it actually smells like him?
Now that’s sexy!!
These range from disgusting to disturbing…and some are a bit of both.