What time is it? It’s not Adventure Time, but it’s something almost as fun -prom season. And while plenty of teens will attend their prom and have a great time this year, even non-attendees can enjoy the celebration by enjoying the trashy, terrible style that these teens are certain to regret sooner rather than later.
She’s Cheaper Than The Dress
Perfect for: The AVN Awards (aka the award show for porn movies)
What’s wrong with it? My boyfriend swears that this design must be intended to be worn with something under it, but the fact that this is a catalog image indicates that this is really how they intend this dress to be worn.
The bottom line: There are some seriously slutty dresses on this list, but as far as commercially manufactured ones, it’s hard to get more whore-y than this.
The Princess and the Pea Pod
Perfect for: A pregnant genie
What’s wrong with it? Hey, why let a little thing like a pregnancy stop you from wearing the slutty prom dress of your dreams? And won’t your future baby be proud when he sees what a prominent role he played in your prom dress?
The bottom line: Skanky dresses are bad enough at prom, but accentuating your pregnant belly with a sparkly sash and an outfit that doesn’t cover up much else besides your baby bump is the ultimate in classlessness.
Did That Come on a Cardboard Tube?
Perfect for: A Charmin commercial or a nudist prom.
What’s wrong with it? Aside from the fact that it looks like pieces of toilet paper tied together, it barely covers her titties or kooter.
The bottom line: If you have to hold the front of your dress closed at the front to avoid a wardrobe malfunction, you probably shouldn’t be wearing it.
The Gold Digger In Training
Perfect for: The next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
What’s wrong with it? It looks like there’s more silicone straps on this thing than actual fabric. Seriously she’d probably look less trashy if she wore a bikini to prom.
The bottom line: If you’re already trying this hard to land a rich husband and you haven’t even graduated high school, then your school has failed in giving you any real life skills.
Perfect for: The hooker date of someone attending the Player’s Ball
What’s wrong with it? I don’t know which is worse -the random chains holding the whole monstrosity up, the ample exposed skin or the sheer fabric on the leg area that proves “yes, this dress could be sluttier.”
The bottom line: In all, the whole thing looks like it feel in a garbage disposal before she pulled it back out and said “ehhh, it’s good enough” and went off to prom.
The Showgirl Surprise
Perfect for: An aspiring flamingo.
What’s wrong with it? The cleavage-loaded top and rhinestones are nothing compared to the ruffly disaster that makes up the skirt and train of these trainwrecks.
The bottom line: Maybe someone on Dancing With the Stars could get away with wearing one of these, but a teenager going to prom shouldn’t even be able to get her beak through the door in this thing.
A Little Off the Top (And Sides, And Middle, And Bottom)
Perfect for: Three groupies trying to win over Jay-Z after hearing about his marital problems with Beyonce.
What’s wrong with it? To start off with, most high schools would never let you go through the door in any of these dresses for any number of reasons -particularly the fact that the slits all go right up to their panties. Next, the black dresses’ midsection manages to look even more slutty than even the bra-top one because having two strips of fabric basically draws the eye to her gut.
The bottom line: They must have been trying to save fabric because what other excuse is there for cutting out the entire front section of the black dresses’ skirt?
She Blinded Me With Ugly
Perfect for: An interpretive dance about the lifespan of a butterfly.
What’s wrong with it? The missing sides and excessive cleavage still play second-fiddle to these hideously-trashy fabric.
The bottom line: Unless you’re trying to demonstrate the mating rituals of the native butterflies, there’s practically no excuse to wear something this ugly.
A Confederacy of Dumbasses
Perfect for: Anyone inbred enough to lack the cultural understanding, class and decency necessary to know this is a bad idea.
What’s wrong with it? The Confederate flag. Yes, we’ve all heard that it’s not racist, but is really a sign of rebellion, blah, blah, blah, but you know what, the Nazi Swastika is technically only a symbol of the Nationalist Socialist Party, not of their murder of millions of Jewish people, but that doesn’t make it any less offensive.
The bottom line: Leave the Confederate flag to General Lee of the Dukes of Hazard.
Bodysuits and Barebacks
Perfect for: The next Lady Gaga or Pink.
What’s wrong with it? It looks like she’s wearing a leather diaper over the see-through bodysuit and despite this potty protection, her crack is still hanging out.
The bottom line: Let the pop stars try to be shocking -they’re the only ones with an excuse to get away with wearing saggy-leather diapers.
Perfect for: A human-filled car wash machine
What’s wrong with it? The two slits, the exposed stomach and sides and the cleavage are all bad, but that fabric is probably the worst thing about this dress.
The bottom line: If it looks like you could wrap leftovers in it, it probably shouldn’t be worn to prom.
I Don’t Dream of Skankie
Perfect for: A cheesy metal video from the 80s.
What’s wrong with it? It’s like she grabbed a bra top, paired it with a long skirt and decided that if she really wanted to whore it up, she’d better cut a few squares around the waist of the skirt too.
The bottom line: When it’s impossible to tell if your pubes are out or if that’s just a shadow, you shouldn’t be wearing it.
Where Serial Killers Come From
Perfect for: This really wouldn’t be a bad figure-skating outfit.
What’s wrong with it? It’s too short, too skimpy and see-through, the real question is “what’s right about it?”
The bottom line: The boy in the background pretty much nailed how we feel about this dress.
Is That A Vagina On Your Dress Or Are You Happy to See Me?
Perfect for: A woman with the subtlety of a Bond villain.
What’s wrong with it? The subliminal vagina isn’t so much subliminal as just saying “hey, here’s a vagina right over my real vagina.”
The bottom line: It’s less revealing than most of these other dresses, but no less trashy.
Just A Robot
Perfect for: The hipster girl who pretends she’s above all this, but still desperately wants all the guys to pay attention to her.
What’s wrong with it? Few styles look good in all silver and this is not one of them. As if that weren’t bad enough, the bottom half is just poor-fitting and poorly cut -plus, the amount of leg under this dress makes it look like she forgot to wear the matching skirt.
The bottom line: If you’re going to look like a total slut, at least wear something form-flattering.
Gold and Silver Are A No-Go
Perfect for: A disco ball.
What’s wrong with it? How do you turn a trashy silver, spandex dress into a formal gown? Apparently by adding beaded curtains to the bottom.
The bottom line: This dress looks like it belongs in a weird, wannabe-sexy Coors ad, but even then it would fail at being sexy or glamorous.
Perfect for: An American Apparel billboard.
What’s wrong with it? Nothing says formal occasion like pleather and mesh
The bottom line: If a dress looks terrible on the model, it probably won’t look great on anyone else and these materials just look terrible together in any situation.
Life In Plastic Ain’t Fantastic
Perfect for: Barbie’s formal sleepover.
What’s wrong with it? Pink, zebra, a garter, elastic and a dangling belly ring? No, just no.
The bottom line: A pink and zebra pajama pants set with train isn’t a good look for anything but a sleepover.
Sponge Bob Sad Pants
Perfect for: Literally nothing. There is no reason this dress should exist.
What’s wrong with it? Fine, you want to wear a character from a children’s cartoon on your dress -but don’t whore it up. No one wants to think about Sponge Bob and your tits.
The bottom line: Even Sponge Bob is begging you to confiscate this dress and burn it with fire so he can just die in peace and be put out of his misery.
Don’t Poo Pooh On Me?
Perfect for: Any four year-old’s prom.
What’s wrong with it? Really, without the sluttiness of the Sponge Bob dress, this one isn’t nearly as bad, but the matching suit is pretty terrible and the guy doesn’t really look thrilled to be wearing it either.
The bottom line: Pooh is pretty awesome, but a boot-leg bow-tied version isn’t really the best prom theme.
Jessica Simpson Beta Version
Perfect for: A wannabe princess who can’t afford alterations or a dress that fits right in the first place.
What’s wrong with it? Sluttiness aside, you know it’s bad when not even the model looks good in this poorly-cut design.
The bottom line: There are worse dresses around, but you’re still not going to impress anyone in this getup.
Perfect for: Those who can’t decide if they want to go formal, semi-formal or hooker in hot pants.
What’s wrong with it? These are all just awful, even the semi-fancy one at the bottom -because, let’s face it, shorts aren’t fancy. If you are going to rock the shorts at least don’t go for a bra top with suspenders look.
The bottom line: Sparkly shorts are pretty much only good for cheerleaders, cabaret dancers and hookers.
World of Whatcraft?
Perfect for: A role playing convention where you have to make your own characters.
What’s wrong with it? It’s like she put a see-through bustier together with a mermaid skirt and then decided it wasn’t eye-catching enough, so she needed to add some matching blue spikes to the look. Maybe she wanted GWAR to look sexy.
The bottom line: Pretty much everything about this look is terrible.
Perfect for: Anyone who needs to hide in the bushes and hunt ducks before, during or after attending a formal event.
What’s wrong with it? As I pointed out in the Terribly Trashy Tuxes post, camouflage is pretty much always a poor choice unless you are actually on a military mission or hunting.
The bottom line: When someone tells you the best thing you can do at prom is just “blend in,” this is not what they mean.
No, You’re Not Balling
Perfect for: A court-side formal occasion.
What’s wrong with it? There’s nothing wrong with being a sports fan, but like camouflage, there’s a time and a place for your team jersey and it’s not your prom or wedding.
The bottom line: The only excusable reason to have a name and number on the back of your prom dress, is because your prom is in juvenile hall.
Too Much Slut To Shake A Stick At
There are way too many slutty prom dresses to write a lengthy piece about all of them, here’s a giant pile of some of the skankiest ones around.
If you like this one, don’t miss these terribly trashy wedding dresses.
Oh Tard, you’re so adorable, and now you’re one full year old. Congratulations cutie!
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If you can’t read all the fine print here, check it out full size over on Regretsy.
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